Charlotte Simmons

I've been thinking a lot about Charlotte Simmons lately.(Yes I'm still reading I am Charlotte Simmons.It's like, Bible thick. The actual Bible, not those dinky pocket things).
Anyway, what about Charlotte Simmons?
Basically I can't stand her. She's a rude, prude-y, judgmental, lame douche bag and all she does is exclaim when people say "fuck" or have sex. I mean come on Charlotte. What did you expect? It's COLLEGE. On top of that, Tom Wolfe keeps reminding the reader that Charlotte is from North Carolina and has this gross southern drawl.
Reasonably, this only makes me hate her more.
If fictional book characters went to sketchy basement parties, I'd want Charlotte Simmons to drunkenly hook up with Holden Caufield(The Catcher in the Rye). I think they'd be really good for each other, as I hate them both.

Goodnight.

-B

Highschool

In the year 2030, Facebook will replace yearbooks.


Sean:
Bimbola Akinbola, you're my BimBOOla AkinBOOla!

Melissa:
boo, what's going on? brother brother brother. I'm like Marvin Gaye except mexican and with boobies. also, I'm going to start a series of comics called Harry Pooter. Or maybe Hairy Pooter. I hope it hasn't already been done because then that means I've got no creativity and I'll be sad. I really miss you. Talk to me please.

J-boo:
Sean, lemme into my prom queef group plz kthnx.

T♥ = Limit of (1/(x+2)) as X->-2
?

-B

On Books

So yesterday I started reading a book called A Four Sided Bed.
On page 17 I decided it was the first book since March that was worthy of the Edward Hopper bookmark Tyson brought me back from Chicago. I then created a Reading playlist on iTunes in its honor.

And then I received a lesson in not counting your chickens before they hatch, or putting all your eggs in one basket, or something.

Synopsis
JJ (the boyfriend) gets Fed-Ex'ed a musty 8 year old braid that his ex-girlfriend, Kin saved. We find out that the braid was cut off(of his head) after he spent some time in a mental hospital for his schizophrenia which has magically vanished.Next, it is revealed that his girlfriend may have actually been a BOYfriend.This causes Alice(the current girlfriend) to start thinking that she has AIDS, you know, because the girlfriend was maybe a boyfriend.

At this point in the novel I decided to go to sleep, where I had a series of bizarre dreams causing me to wake up at 6:30am thinking a little too hard about AIDS and stank braids in general.

Perhaps this wasn't the carefree summer reading I was looking for.
On a whim I skipped 30 pages, giving A Four Sided Bed one last chance to redeem itself. Alice was talking about biting her step fathers tongue.

So I took A Four Sided Bed back to the library. It wasn't open but I had to get rid of it immediately, so I tossed it in the book drop.
In an effort to restore my sleep cycle and normal thoughts I have started reading I Am Charlotte Simmons by Tom Wolfe.

I'll leave you with a quote from the text:
"Know'm saying"
Call yo'self a cop? Swap yo' dick and yo' ass,
Ev'ry time you shit, yo' balls go plop plop.
Wipe yo' dick, and it bleeds choc'late.
You needs to fuck with yo' butt, cocksucking cop cop.
Know'm saying?"


Plop, plop indeed.

Finally...

my creativity is back.

The Walgreens Family

I go to Walgreens too much.
I'm going for my third time since Monday. And I'm wearing the same neon pink high tops I wore the first two times I went. I want to make sure they remember me.
It would be great if I could become a Walgreens regular. I'd just walk into Walgreens and the guy at the register would know what I needed. All I'd have to say is, "I'll have the regular".
If I looked sick, Jane would head straight to the pharmacy.
If it was that time of the month Tim would know and go skipping to the feminine aisle the second I walked through the door.
In the summer when I was hot and dehydrated Marcy would grab me some refreshing iced tea from the cold beverage aisle.
In the winter I could get occasional rides from the employees. They would start inviting me to company parties and then family events.

I can hardly believe that these are the things I think about.

I really must get to Walgreens before 5.

-B

On Solicitation

So yesterday at my second job I got to thinking a lot about the act of solicitation. No not sex. Money.
I don't exactly know the specifics of my contract so this may be vague.
Anyway, this job I speak of involves calling other people. And thanking them for donations aka reminding them to donate again. It's an alright job but I've just recently begun to realize how physically ill awkward conversations make me.
Often after I get off of the phone after a series of awkward pauses/chuckles and,
"Well..."
"Yeah I..."
"Oh! You go ahead!"
"Oh no you can talk..."
I gag.
It's as if my body is trying to eject the experience from my bowels.
Sorry if that was graphic.(Also I'm pretty sure vomiting isn't the act of ejecting things from your bowels, for those of you who were concerned.)
Anyway yesterday I noticed that the girl next to me also gaged after getting off the phone, which is what got me thinking that this may be a universal phenomenon.
(And then I began wondering why in that case people weren't gagging up and down sidewalks all day long,here at Macalester.)

On that note, I have something to say about crosswalks.
When I am crossing the street and YOU are waiting at a red light. DO NOT stare at me. It makes me uncomfortable.
And then I start questioning things that I shouldn't care about like my outfit and my hair and my sunglasses and my intellect. And by the time I get to the other side of the street I have the self esteem of an adolescent girl with no friends.And body image issues.
What are you looking at anyway?
-B

Expect Nothing

As I finish my last piece of souvenir taffy, I must say, I am amazed that I ate all of that taffy alone. And now, I am sad that it's all gone.
While I know that emotions this complex are difficult to find in such a cold world, don't worry because, what the fuck, I'm starting a blog?
I think my last blog was sometime around 8th grade and went:
"Blah blah boring boring unimportant unimportant. Oh my God, the yellow font on the orange background is blinding me." Or something to that effect.
Blogs are "difficult spaces" because they constantly border on the edge of "complete shit" and "mildly entertaining". Unfortunately, everyone thinks that their blog falls into the "REALLY entertaining" category which is really just tragic.
Everyone except me that is. I have no expectations and neither should anyone else.
I think I'll end on that note. Have a pleasant afternoon.

-B